Black Holes, Cheese & Walden Quotations

If you’re a self-proclaimed Productivity Ninja/Guru you need only read the bolded sections. For the rest of planet Earth feel free to read from beginning to end.

Hi friend/colleague/family member/complete stranger;

As of Saturday June 8th at 4pm I will be on vacation for a little over a week. I will be returning on Monday June 17th at 9am.

ALL email sent to me during the period outlined above will not be received and will be sent into a black hole. If you’re not sure what a black hole is you can look it up on Wikipedia. Basically what I’m saying is that all email received during this time will be deleted but any excuse to reference black holes is an opportunity I will seize.

If something requires my attention you’ll need to send/re-send it to me after Monday June 17th at 9am. No ifs, ands or buts.

If something is an emergency and needs my immediate attention morse code or smoke signals might be able to reach me. I highly suggest carrier pigeons if you can afford them. If something is an emergency you most likely won’t email me about it but rather will reach out to a family member who knows how to get ahold of me. I’m not a doctor, police officer, nor do I hold the secret to creating the Everlasting Gobstopper, so I can’t think of many emergencies that would require my immediate attention.

If you’re thinking this would be a good time to rob me you should probably think again. I’ve recently sold 99% of my possessions and anything I have left isn’t really worth stealing, unless you’re into dirty underwear, multiple used copies of the award winning film The Notebook or some old cheddar cheese which is pushing the limits of the definition of ‘old’. Scratch that, I’m now all out of cheese (I just sold that too). As I write this I’m lying on my living room floor next to a small pile of my life’s possessions. This is called art, it is titled: “Life as a Pile”. Seriously, as I take a look around my home it looks like I’m a transient living as a squatter; that’s minimalism for you.

If you’re a current client you can be assured that I have done one or more of the following; backed up your website, ran the necessary security updates, completed any outstanding time-sensitive work and have informed you of my time away. You and I have probably known each other long enough, even before working together, that you won’t find this email responder offensive, rude, or in bad taste. However, if you feel that this email is not representative of the type of person you want to work with you can fire me, because I am who I am, including my odd (and sometime humourless) sense of humour.

If you’re a potential client and are receiving this email as your first exchange with me I have this to say; I take all my work serious and if you’d like to work with me email me when I’m back. I’ve never failed to meet a deadline and often exceed expectations while completing work ahead of schedule. I also live in a world where people are humans, monkeys are monkeys and computers are machines. That is to say, people don’t always have to be serious in their personal lives, if you want poetry written hire a monkey and if you’re ok with the way things are then take the blue pill. I’m a human being (and an odd one at that) and function as such.

By the time you’ve finished reading this I will be flipping a canoe, re-creating a scene from The Great Outdoors or will be lost in a forest somewhere not really trying to find my way out of it. Sometimes we need to get lost in order to be found, or something profound sounding like that; I think this is the point where I’m suppose to quote something from Walden.

I’ve run out of humour for the time being, so for now, arrivederci.